


The Abbey or the Grave

by trashprincehamlet



Series: Nyo!li Me Tangere: Playing Around with Gender [3]
Category: El Nolibusterismo, Noli Me Tangere & Related Works - José Rizal, Noli Me Tangere (fandom), Philippine Literature - Fandom
Genre: Attempted suicide warning, Family Angst, Family Drama, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Suicide mention, i don't know i like exploring the relationship between damaso and maria clara, suicide warning, the crisostomo x maria clara is actually more referenced, this is chapter 63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 01:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4769198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashprincehamlet/pseuds/trashprincehamlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Damaso was convincing a son, instead of a daughter, that time healed all wounds?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Abbey or the Grave

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! So, I really liked the genderbent Noli thing, and I wanted to keep using the characters. Here's a 3rd part of the Nyo!li series, hope you enjoy this one! 
> 
> You aren't really meant to enjoy it doe, it's angsty.
> 
> Warning for suicide mention/attempted suicide.

The wedding gifts did not move Jose one bit. Not even the pocketwatch in its blue suede case, which would have caught his eye at any other time, drew a reaction from him. The former teacher at San Diego's public school stares out the window, refusing to acknowledge the broadsheet which proclaims his lover's death in shocked Castillian.

" _Bulaga! Bulaga!_ "

Jose jumps up, screaming like a little boy at the sight of a cockroach. 

"Silly child," Padre Damaso says, patting his godson-no, his son's-head. "I came all the way here to see you married."

Jose kisses the old friar's hand, trying to act casual.

"Child?" Damaso says, now uneasy, "Are you ill? It's not good for you, shutting yourself up like this all the time. Come, let's go for a walk."

The boy moves closer to the priest, nestling his face on his shoulder like he once did after Cristina had scared him with an aswang story. The two men look eerily similar in the afternoon light, so much that an observer would imagine them to be an older and younger version of the same person.

"Tell me what's wrong, Kiko," the friar says, using a nickname only he calls his son. "I only want you to be happy."

"If you do want my happiness, talk to Papa and call off my wedding!" Jose cries, suddenly hysterical.

"Young people are fickle as the wind!" Damaso laughs, as he were watching him juggle plates instead of cry and scream. "Only yesterday, you seemed all right with Alfonsina-"

"Don't mention that woman!"

"Why must you refuse to tell me the reason for your distress? Kiko, don't you trust your own godfather?"

Jose's eyes begin to fill with tears.

"Tell me why you're so pained. It is unlike you. I'll listen, and prove that I do love you."

The boy tells the priest of the last meeting with Cristina, not mentioning what he's learned of his birth.

"While Cristina lived, I thought I could hope! Knowing that the only woman I'd ever loved might be happy somewhere, was enough to keep me happy too."

"Kiko, Alfonsina is a thousand times better than that witch-"

"Don't say that about Cristina! While she lived, I thought I could find her again someday, write to the Holy Father and annul my marriage perhaps...I don't love Señorita Linares, or she me, anyway...Now that Cristina is gone, I refuse to submit to the will of others any longer. The Jesuits..."

Damaso pretends not to hear the last sentence. "Do you love the girl that much?"

Jose nods weakly.

"Forgive me for nearly ruining your life and bringing you grief, Kiko. How could I let you marry the daughter of a heretic, herself a subversive, exposing you and your children to ill treatment? Your family would suffer forever, just because their mother had tinted reputation. I abused every office to keep that from happening, give you hope for a better future...I know Cristina was a good woman, but I have hated her since I saw how she could undo you, as I hate your father...You are my only joy, Kiko."

Jose turns to the priest, eyes fiery. "Then don't make me unhappy! Since she has left this world, I want to be a priest! Let me follow in your footsteps...the Jesuits...please,  _ninong."_

"A friar!" Damaso exclaims. "You know not, son, of life behind those walls. I would rather see you an unhappy man in the world than a corrupt and greedy one in a religious order. You are a good child, Kiko, a little angel, almost. God did not create you to be a sterile, withered flower in an abbey. Believe me, time heals all wounds."

Jose springs up, then goes to a trunk in the corner. He unlocks a compartment, and extracts a small revolver.

"The abbey or the grave!" he says, pushing the weapon towards Damaso.

"Please, Kiko, find some work, run your family's haciendas, become a teacher, even, if you so desire. Find another woman to call wife. Please, not the abbey."

"The abbey or the grave!" Jose repeats, pointing the revolver at his head while the tears stream down his cheeks.

"My God, no!" Damaso shouts, upon seeing that his son fully intends to carry out the threat. He wrests the revolver from his son, thinking, "Lord, you may visit your judgement upon me...but the habit for my child..."

He turns back to Jose. "You want to be a priest? A priest you shall be. I don't want you to die. I shall recommend you to the Jesuits, perhaps they'll accept you and you can teach at your old school..."

Jose kisses his father's hands, collapsing on his bed in relief. " _Ninong, ninong..."_

"Stay by me awhile," he adds, wiping sweat off his forehead.

Soon, Jose falls into a deep sleep. Damaso pulls a blanket over him with uncharacteristic tenderness, as if he were handling a porcelain doll instead of a young man of twenty-one. He blows out the lamp on the bedside table, then leaves.

_God, I acknowledge my sins, and submit myself to your just punishments. But please, spare my son!_


End file.
